Today is the 4th day that we broke up.
I thought I was able to stop thinking of him.
However, I failed.
Lost.
Weak.
Angry.
Lonely.
Shocked.
Confused.
Devastated.
I really don't know how and what to feel.
Nothing is going on well.
I can't concentrate on my studies.
I know I should not do that.
But even when I start studying.
It is still him that is flashing in my mind.

These few days,
I really ponder.
Am I really such a failure?
Why is it that guys will also fall for another girl?
Is it that I didn't treat them well enough?
I keep on thinking it is my fault.
The fault of leaving him all alone there.
Blaming myself of not being able to come back and meet up with him.
However, many people tell me it isn't my fault.
But I can't blame him myself too.
It is the reason that he misses me too much.
He felt so lonely when I wasn't by his side.
Although we webcam, chat on the phone, irc, msn.
Any form of communication.
But yet, I still failed.
He felt so lonely.
Now he is lonely.
So am I.
Being in a foreign country.
All by myself.
With nobody to look for.
All my friends are far away from me.
All my family are not near me.
I fell too deep.
Deep into a tunnel where I see nothing
Darkness might be the word.
Or maybe not.
I really don't know.

I even had a dream.
A dream of me being homeless in Australia.
My housemate thought that I would be moving out.
So they searched for another housemate.
I thought I would look for another place.
Unfortunately, the place was no longer available for me to stay.
Homeless.
Lost.
Sad.
Is the dream trying to telling me what I am feeling?
Or is the dream actually reflecting how I am feeling?
I really don't know.
Unable to understand anything that comes to my mind.
Other than him running through my mind.
Be it before and after my sleep.
In the bus all by myself
In class which I always attend on every Wednesday.
Every single thought that comes to me is him.
Why am I really such a failure?
Why am I unable to stand up once again like I used to do so?
I really hate myself for doing that.
I really don't want to feel that way.
But I just can't stop it at all.

During these few days, many people tried to console me.
I really appreciate everybody's help.
However, I still can't find a meaning to move on.
I simply just miss him heaps.
People think I am silly.
I should get on.
But I really unsure of when am I able to stand up once again
and be the happy-go-lucky person that I used to be.

Is it silly for me to fall in love so deeply for someone?
Should I be faithful to someone in the first place?
What should I do?
I really don't know at all.
But all I do now is to cry every now and then whenever I think about him.
It is just so depressing.
How long more must it take for me to get over it.
I am unable to know.
All the food that I eat are even tasteless.
Chocolates are tasteless to me.
Sweet ice cream that I tried even tasted sour.
What is wrong with my taste bud.
No mood to eat anything at all.
My clothes become loser now.
It seems to be good news.
But I am not that happy.
Nothing seems to be able to cheer me up anymore.
I just want him.
Nothing else but him.

Every single moment of silence
is the time I think about him.
All the happy moments
though they are short
each of them were still so sweet to me.
I can't find anything to find anything to even hate him.
I still miss and love him heaps.